


Freakshow

by tyleerjoseph



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Triggers, Violence, im new at this, let me know if I need more tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-08 03:35:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7741840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyleerjoseph/pseuds/tyleerjoseph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a horrible mental episode, Tyler Joseph is checked into a mental hospital to get the help he needs. His roommate, the one and only Josh Dun, has a lot to teach Tyler about his temporary home. But Josh has his own demons that he's struggling with, and he might hurt Tyler more than he can help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! A friend of mine suggested that I take my original stories that I'm struggling with writing and turn them into fan fictions, so that's what I'm doing here. I rated it mature for some content that may surface later on. I really hope you enjoy it. Leave me a comment! Updating soon. :)

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to feel nothing. Would it be a welcome numbness or would it eat away at me? Would I be happy or would I be nothing? When I picture it, I see myself floating away. Where to? I don’t know. I’ve tried to visualize the where. I can never seem to imagine something that’s so far out of reach. I want to feel nothing or everything all at once. It would have to be better than this. I often spent hours in bed, staring at the ceiling or the wall, wishing the feeling gripping my insides would subside. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that… empty.

  
I feel that way a lot.

  
That’s what I was feeling when we stepped inside the patient check-in at the hospital. The room was cold. That’s the first thing that hit me. The second thing was the lack of, well, anything. There was no noise. The walls were white except for a strip of horrid wallpaper. Even the woman behind the desk was plain; she wore blue scrubs over a well-worn turtleneck. I got the feeling it would be cold everywhere.

  
My mother tugged my arm and led me towards the front desk. The woman looked up at us from behind her bifocals. “Can I help you?”

  
“Yes, um, he’s checking in. This is Tyler. Tyler Joseph?” The woman rustled around in a pile of paperwork behind the desk.

  
“Ah, Tyler.” She said, gathering up a stack of stapled sheets of paper. I wondered what was on those papers. “Have a seat and we’ll be with you shortly.” My mom turned around and gave me a tight-lipped smile. She was acting braver in all this than she had to. I think she thought she had to be strong for me or something. I was looking at this as a vacation. A very stark, white, cold vacation.

  
“Everything will be alright.” My mother said as we sat down beside one another in the waiting area. She was more speaking to herself than to me. “It’s just a few days.”

  
“I’ll be fine,” I reassured her, “they’re just checking me out.” She offered me another smile, which I returned despite the growing feeling of apprehension in my chest. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The door on the right side of the lobby opened and a nurse stepped out, yet again wearing plain blue scrubs. “Mr. Joseph?” She said, glancing down at a clipboard. I stood up, but my mother grabbed my wrist.

  
“I’ll come visit you.” She said quickly. “I promise.” I found that hard to believe. She rarely had any time outside of work. It was a wonder she had the chance to accompany me today.

  
“I’ll be alright.” I said. Her fawning was starting to grate on my nerves. My mother let go of my arm and suddenly I felt very, very alone. I felt like my chest was going to collapse, but I walked towards the pretty blonde nurse like everything was okay.

  
“How are you?” She asked politely.

  
_Terrified._ “I’m okay, how are you?” I answered instead. She said she was tired and joked that she was ready for her lunch break. I laughed with her while she led me down the hall towards an examination room.

  
“We’re just going to do some routine checks on you, hon.” The nurse said. “We’ve got to make sure you’re all healthy.” She smiled at me and I tried my best to smile back.

  
“Sure.” I said quietly while she fiddled with a blood pressure machine. She wrapped the cuff around my arm and we both looked away awkwardly while it did its job. While she took my temperature, she said, “Doctor Way will be in to see you in a few minutes. We’ve got several new kids today, but it shouldn’t be long.” She left without another word, leaving me in the dreary white room by myself.

  
I felt really, really empty now. I had no nothing. No phone. No way out. I was starting to think this was a terrible idea. My therapist had recommended this for me when I told him what happened. My mom had jumped at the idea. I think she wanted me out of the house and somewhere where she didn’t have to hear me scream at night.  
There was on knock on the door and then a graying head poked in. “Mr. Joseph?”

  
“Yes, sir.” I answered. Dr. Way, I assumed, stepped inside, wearing a long white coat and carrying a file folder with my name on it. “How are you, son?”

  
“Doing okay.” I said, but I must not have been very convincing because he stared at me for a long moment.

  
“What made you join us here?” It was the question I was terrified of. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want to acknowledge it.

  
“I see things.” I said quietly. “I hear things.”

  
“What medications are you currently taking, Tyler?” It was like he hadn’t heard me. He didn’t even look up.

  
“Abilify, Lexapro, Buspar… you name it.” I sighed.

  
“Okay,” He said, looking over my chart, “We’re going to go ahead and keep you on those for now, but it looks like you're on a relatively low dose. I'm going to up it a bit, okay?”

  
“Okay.” I managed as he wrote in my file. The silence was painful, but it thankfully only lasted a few moments.

  
“Do you ever feel like hurting yourself?”

  
“Sometimes.” _All the time _.__

  
“Do you ever act on it?” He asked.

  
“Not recently.” I managed. “It’s been awhile.” He scribbled in my chart once again. He then informed me that they would be taking blood tests a little later in the day, which made my stomach roll.

  
“We’re going to get you set up now, son.” Dr. Way opened the door. “Come this way.” He led me down a hallway and we stopped at a desk. He offered me a smile before handing my files over to another nurse and striding away. It was shortest, coldest doctor’s visit I’d ever endured.

  
“Alright, Mr. Joseph,” The nurse began, “I’m going to need you to hand over your bag so we can check it out.” I lifted my bag up and handed it over. She sifted through my clothes before handing me the folded stack. “We’ll keep your bag for you and return it to you when you leave, okay?” She picked up my file once again and flipped through some papers. “Come this way.”

  
We left the desk behind and took the elevator to the third floor. “You’re room is going to be 113. You’re going to be with Josh.”

  
“Josh?” Oh, god. A roommate? How the hell was I supposed to explain the talking and the screaming. “Is there any way I could be alone?” I asked tentatively.

  
“No, sweetheart, you’ve got to have a roommate. You’ll go to your meals and group sessions with him. He’s been here awhile, so he’ll show you around.”

  
“Okay.” I found myself saying again. We reached room 113 and the nurse knocked on the door before pushing it open. “Josh?” She called. I clutched my clothes tightly to my chest and followed her inside.

  
“Yeah?” I heard a voice say. My eyes had to adjust to the light filtering in from the open window. A boy, roughly my own height, pushed himself off the bed and faced us. He had a goofy smile and strangely enough, his hair was a light shade of pink. He was also irrevocably gorgeous.

  
“This is Tyler. He’s your roommate.”

  
“What’s up?” Josh reached his hand out. This all seemed so painfully normal. It rubbed me the wrong way.

  
“Hey.” I said quietly.

  
“You boys will get along fine.” The nurse smiled at us and then motioned to the small dresser across from the two beds. “You can put your clothes here, Tyler.”

  
“Here, I’ll move some of mine.” Josh knelt down and started moving clothes out of the top two drawers. He reached out, obviously wanting me to hand my clothes to him.

  
“I’ve got it.” I said. He shrugged and let me put them away.

  
“I’ll leave you boys to it.” The nurse said as she made her way to the door. “Dinner is at seven, Tyler. Josh, make sure he gets there okay, yeah?” Josh nodded and waved to her with another goofy smile. She shut the door and I immediately felt trapped.

  
“You look pale.” Josh observed. “You alright?”

  
“A little shaken up.” I sank onto my bed and looked over at his side of the room. The sheets were a mess and a half-read book was splayed out on the pillow.  
“It really isn’t that bad here.” Josh sat down beside me. I felt awkward being so close to him. “I mean, the food kinda sucks, but overall it’s okay.”  
“I wish I had my phone.” I looked down at my feet. My friends knew where I was going, but the whole school would know when I didn’t return for the next week. It was senior year, and I was terrified this break wouldn’t let me graduate.

  
“I haven’t talked to my friends in month.” Josh laughed, almost sarcastically. “You’ll get used to it.”

  
“How long have you been here?” I immediately regretted my question. Questions for him meant he’d have question for me.

  
“A month and a half.” He stood up and moved towards the window. He wore a t-shirt, leggings, and basketball shorts. He was one of the strangest people I’d ever met. “My friends came the first couple of weeks.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Then they stopped.”

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
“It’s cool. I’ve got you now, right?” He turned to face me again and flashed that grin. “So what’s your damage, Tyler?” Oh god, the question I’d been avoiding. My hands shook.

  
“I, uh, I’m just depressed, I guess.” It came out like a squeak. I beat myself up mentally.

  
“Just depressed?” Josh laughed. His laugh was like honey. I stared at him incredulously. What was it about him… that made me want to smile?

  
“Yeah,” I laughed cautiously, “Just depressed.”

  
“Lucky you.” He grabbed my arm and lifted me up. His touch sent electric currents through my body. “Come on, kid. Let me show you around.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh shows Tyler around the hospital and helps him get acquainted with his temporary home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really proud of this story so far and I really hope you guys like it! Thank you to everyone that has read it. :)

Josh led me out the door and down the hallway, passed a nurses station and a girl that looked lost in her own thoughts. Josh said nothing, just casually walked ahead of me as though we weren’t striding through a hospital.

  
“This is the common area.” He said when we exited the hallway into a large open space. There were old couches and a couple TVs. “We’re free to chill out here when nothing else is going on.” Josh looked back and me and smiled. “And sometimes they play really good movies.”

  
“Cool.” I said. Josh kept walking passed a group of kids surrounding one of the TVs. A couple of them called out to him and waved, which didn’t shock me. He seemed to own this place.

  
“There’s a couple bathrooms over there, and, oh,” he stopped in front of a set of double doors that fed into another large room, “this is where we have our group sessions. You’ll go with me eventually."

  
“What do we do there?” I asked, peering into the room. There were chairs set up in a circle towards the center.

  
“Talk about our feelings.” Josh laughed. “And sometimes the counselors bring cookies.”

  
“You go for the cookies, don’t you?” I joked. I was surprised at myself; I was so uncomfortable and scared but he made me feel welcome. Safe.

  
“You got that right.” He grinned at me and it sent a wave of warmth throughout my body. I hoped to God I wasn’t blushing. Josh kept moving and eventually we turned down another hallway. “This is where the therapists are.” He pointed to several office doors that lined the hallway. You’ll probably have to go talk to yours tomorrow.” I nodded, unable to voice the fact that I was terrified to talk about any of what went on in my mind. I could barely tell my current therapist… how was I supposed to talk to a stranger?

  
“Don’t look so worried.” Josh stepped towards me and gave me a light punch of the shoulder. “They’re really nice. They’ll help you.”

  
“I don’t know what I need help with.”

  
“Well, kid, that’s why you’re here.”

Eventually, the nurses called everyone for dinner and I managed to eat a bit, but the nervous tension in my stomach made it difficult. Josh talked to me throughout the whole half hour we had to eat. He told me about his Mom and siblings, and how he missed them. He told me he hated it here but couldn’t leave, which I found particularly disheartening. I could see the sadness in his eyes as he spoke. He didn’t seem like the type of guy that would like being trapped.

  
After dinner, we were paraded back to our bedrooms and waited for our medicine to be distributed. I was surprised at the amount of pills Josh was given, but obviously didn’t comment on it. When it was my turn, Josh eyed me with another smile. “That’s a lot of pills for just depression.” This time, I could feel myself blushing.

  
“I’ve got a bit of anxiety too.” I mumbled.

  
“Uh-huh.” Josh laughed again and the nurse gave him a glare for making fun of me. “Sorry, sorry.” He fought back another cunning smile. “Gotta have some sort of fun in here, ya know?”

  
After taking our medicine, the nurses told us we have half an hour before lights out. When Josh whipped out a book, I realized I had absolutely nothing to do but _think_ , and God, did that freak me out.

  
“You’re looking a bit pale again.” Josh observed as he gazed at me over the top of his book. “Something wrong?” I met his gaze and was captivated, almost to the point where I forgot he had asked me a question.

  
“I’m really not cut out for this.” I sighed and leaned back onto my pillows. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

  
“You’re trying to get better.” Josh set his book down on the nightstand and sat on the edge of his bed. “That’s all any of us can really hope for.”

  
“I don’t understand how you’re so calm.” I put my hands behind my head and focused on the ceiling. “It’s crazy.”

  
“Maybe it’s because _I’m_ crazy. Josh laughed. The sound penetrated me, forcing a small smile to form on my lips.

  
“You don’t seem crazy.” I turned my head and looked over at him to find him already staring at me.

  
“You’d be surprised.” He laughed again and shook his head, breaking out eye contact and looking down at his feet. “I’ve been here awhile, remember?”

  
“Like you said, we’re just getting the help we need, right?” Somehow I was now comforting him, and it made me feel needed.

  
“Yeah, Ty.” Josh looked up at me again and flashed a smile. “You’re right.”

When the nurses called for lights our, Josh peeled off his t-shirt and climbed into bed, leaving me a bit awestruck. He was captivating. I settled into my blankets and rolled over to face the wall, unable to shake the thought that he was watching me from across the room.

 

When I fell asleep, I dreamed. I dreamt that I was running, but I had no idea what I was running from. I had to get away, but from what? I could feel every breath I took as I ran as though it were really happening. My feet hit the ground steadily, creating a hazy beat in the back of my mind. One, two. One two. Something was after me. I had to keep running. One, two. One, two. It was him again, I knew it was. I ran faster. One, two. One, two. The beat picked up speed and I forced my body to keep going. He was getting closer. I could feel it. He was going to get me. He was going to-

 

“Tyler!” Somebody was shaking my body awake. I opened my eyes in a rush, my chest heaving, and found Josh leaning over me, his hands gripping my shoulders. “God, Ty, are you okay?” I shook my head vigorously as I tried to catch my breath. “You were yelling.” Josh let go of me and sat on the edge of my bed. “At first you were just talking and I thought you were dreaming, but then you started freaking out and-“

  
“I’m sorry.” I breathed shakily as my eyes filled with tears. He was witnessing what I was so afraid of. I didn’t want anyone to know; I didn’t want my problems to be laid out of blatantly.

  
“No, it’s okay.” Josh hesitantly put his hand on my arm and looked down at me. “Don’t worry about it. It’s okay.” He was speaking so quietly, as though any sound above a whisper would scare me away. “Go back to sleep, okay? I’ll stay up for awhile and make sure you’re alright.” Too tired and shaken to argue, I rolled over and pulled the covers up to my neck. I was terrified to go back to sleep, but somehow, with Josh sitting beside me, I felt a little better. My bed shook as he got up and climbed back into his own bed. I focused on the sound of his breathing and quickly fell back asleep. This time, there was nothing but blissful silence.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler goes to his first therapy session at the hospital and learns a little more about Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so much for reading~ It means so much to me. I'm really enjoying writing this. :)

Early the next morning the nurse somewhat rudely woke us up and told us breakfast was in forty-five minutes. Josh climbed out of bed before I did and I tried to avert my eyes as he changed into a fresh t-shirt and shorts.

  
“Rise and shine.” He whipped open the curtains and let the sunlight wash over me. I glanced at the clock: 7:30. I pulled the covers over my head and groaned.

  
“I can’t do this.” I said, my voice muffled by the blankets.

  
“Yes you can.” Josh was suddenly beside me, tugging at the sheets. “If you don’t get up, they’ll send you to eat by yourself with a tech to watch over you. Don’t you want to eat with me?” He yanked the covers back and looked down at me with that stupid grin. I waved him away and slung my legs over the side of the bed. I sleepily made my way over to the dresser and pulled out some clothes.

  
“Is there, uh, a bathroom…?” I trailed off. Josh was laughing at me.

  
“Afraid to change in front of me?” He bit his lip and looked me up and down. It made me feel terribly vulnerable. I blushed furiously.

  
“No, I just-“

  
“I get it.” Josh never seemed to let go of his stunning smile. “It’s over there.” He pointed to the other side of our room to a door I’d assumed was a closet.

  
“We get our own bathroom?” I asked, incredulously.

  
“This isn’t prison, Tyler.” Josh shoved me in the direction of the bathroom. “Hurry up, I want to get there early so we get the fresh stuff.”

Josh said today was his favorite day of the week: waffle day. We made our way down to the cafeteria with the other kids from our hallway and found a place in line. “That’s Kristen and Will.” Josh said, pointing to a pair of kids sitting across the room. “We’re going to sit with them.” The girl behind the counter gave me a waffle, a package of syrup, scrambled eggs, and an apple. I followed Josh, who’d sweet-talked the poor girl into giving him two waffles, to the table he’d pointed out before.  
“Will, Kristen!” Josh called as we neared them. “This is Tyler.”

  
“What’s up?” Will, I assumed, waved to me. He had badly dyed dark hair and wore old pajamas. Kristen, on the other hand, was beautiful. She was skinny with blonde hair that fell well past her shoulders.

  
“Hey.” I said. “Nice to meet you.”

  
“So polite.” Kristen pointed at me with a forkful of waffle. “I like you.”

  
“He’s mine.” Josh elbowed me and took a bite of his eggs. “Nasty.” He stuck his tongue out.

  
“Eat your food and shut up.” I laughed at his disgusted face.

  
“Oh, shit!” Will called, earning him a glare from a security guard. “Someone’s finally gonna put Josh in his place.” I found myself blushing quite a lot in Josh’s presence, and that moment was no exception.

  
“You’ve got him wrapped around your finger,” Kristen grinned at me, “I can already tell.” It was Josh’s turn to be embarrassed. I elbowed him as he had down to me and smiled at him reassuringly.

  
“Yeah, yeah.” He pushed me away. “You’ve got your first therapy session today, right, Ty?”

  
“Yeah.” I nodded.

  
“Hope you haven’t been doing any drugs.” Josh laughed. "She'll sniff that shit out."

  
“You’re one to talk.” Will looked regretful as soon as the words came out of his mouth.

  
“Shut the fuck up, Will.” Josh shot back angrily.

  
“Boys.” Kristen rolled her eyes at me. “So how old are you, Ty?”

  
“Eighteen.” I answered. “What about you guys?” Will and Kristen were the same age, seventeen, and Josh said he was a year older than me, nineteen.

  
“They’re dating.” Josh told me, pointing at the two of them. “But there’s this really strict no-touching rule, so they’re out of luck.”

  
“Fuck you, too.” Will said through a mouthful of eggs. “We have our ways.”

  
“How’d you both end up in here?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing their boundaries.

  
“Will and I both have bipolar disorder.” Kristen clarified.

  
“They met on an online forum for bipolars.” Josh added.

  
Kristen nodded and continued, “I got admitted because my school counselor found out I was cutting.” She didn’t seem embarrassed at all to be telling me that. “Will admitted himself a day later. We’ve only been here a week.”

  
“And they’ve been a pain in my ass ever since.” Josh said as the security guard called out that breakfast was over. Our little group dumped our trays before making our way out. When we were almost to the common area, and nurse caught up with us and called my name.

  
“Mr. Joseph?” She glanced down at her clipboard before saying, “Your therapist, Dr. Amber, can see you now.”

  
“Oh, alright.” I said. I threw a worried look at Josh, who nudged me towards the nurse.

  
“Go on, it’ll be fine.” He said. I was beginning to love the way his eyes lit up with he smiled.

  
I nodded and followed the nurse down another hallway towards where Josh had shown me the therapists’ office. “You’ll have an hour with her.” The nurse said. “When you’re done, you can go ahead back to the TV room with your friends, okay?”

  
“Okay, thanks.” She opened one of the doors for me and gestured for me to step inside. I did and she proceeded to shut the door behind me. There was a young woman sitting behind the large desk with a pixie cut and a purple blouse. She looked like she was barely any older than I was.

  
“Tyler?” She stood up and stepped around the desk. She offered me her hand and I took it, almost recoiling at her cold skin. “I’m Dr. Amber. We’re going to have several sessions during your stay here. Can I get you anything? Water? Coke?”

  
“No, I’m fine.” I said quietly.

  
“Go ahead and have a seat then, Tyler.” She made her way back around the desk and sat in her chair. “Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?” She braced her elbows on the desk and rested her head on her hand. I was so, _so_ not ready for this.

  
“Um, I’m eighteen.” I started. “I have two brothers and a sister.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I felt as though there was nothing interesting about me to share.

  
“What do you like to do?” Dr. Amber looked much more cheery than I felt.

  
“I write music.” I admitted. “I’m really good at the piano, I guess.”

  
“There’s a start.” She smiled. “What do you like to write about?” I told her that I usually wrote about how I was feeling, and she said that was a really good outlet for me. We talked a little more about my family and friends, before she grabbed my attention by asking if I had a girlfriend.

  
“No,” I ran my hands through my hair, “I don’t have time for one. With school and now this…” I trailed off. _I didn’t want a girlfriend._

  
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Dr. Amber said. “Sometimes we have to take time for ourselves before we can give ourselves to another person.” I nodded my agreement. She then changed the subject entirely by asking, “What about Josh? What do you think of him?”

  
“I like him,” I responded lamely, “He seems like a cool guy.”

  
“And he’s been nice to you?”

  
“Of course.” I said. Why did she seem like she expected me to say no?

  
“Good, good. Listen, Tyler. I want you to do something for me before our session tomorrow. I want you to do exactly what you already do: write how you feel.” She reached behind her, pulled out a composition notebook, and handed it to me.

  
“And if I can’t?” I asked, unsure that I could write something that someone else would be reading.

  
“I know you can.” She answered, and that was the end of that.

 

The rest of the day passed by in a blur. I spent most of it with Josh and his friends in the TV room, where we watched Disney movies (they were really strict about what we watched) and played games. I beat Josh at poker and he joked that he’d be in real trouble if it were strip poker, but I tried to ignore that comment.  
When we were sent back to our bedrooms, Josh and I took our medicine before changing into pajamas. Just like he had before, he changed in front of me. Only this time, I snuck a look at his tight abs as he slipped a new t-shirt over his head.

  
“How was your therapy session?” He asked when we were both changed.

  
“It was okay,” I shrugged, “She’s really peppy.”

  
“Yeah, that’s Dr. Amber for you.”

  
“You have her too?” I asked.

  
“Yep,” Josh nodded, “I’ve been with her since I got here. I’m not crazy about her. We don’t get along very well.”

  
“Why not?”

  
“She’s tried a lot of things with me that haven’t worked.” He admitted. “I just don’t feel comfortable talking to her.”

  
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say to that. We sat in uncomfortable silence for a few moments.

  
“Did she give you homework?” Josh fidgeted with his hair. _God, he looked good._

  
“Y-yeah,” I stuttered, “She wanted me to write about how I feel. I told her I write music and she wants me to put it to good use…”

  
“You write music?” Josh’s eyes lit up.

  
“Yeah, I mean, it’s not great.”  
“Maybe you could show me some of it sometime.” He looked hopeful. The prospect of being with him when I got out of here made my heartbeat speed up.

  
“Yeah, sure.” I nodded. “That’d be cool.”

  
A nurse knocked on our door and called for lights out, so Josh and I switched off the lights and climbed into bed.

  
“Josh?”

  
“Hmm?” He answered sleepily.

  
“Why are you here?”

  
Silence.

  
“I tried to kill myself, Ty.” Neither of us spoke after that. I just lay there, picturing a world without Joshua Dun. It sounded terrible.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So this chapter is still kind of in beta because I haven't proofread it yet, so bare with me. I really hope you enjoy it. Leave me a comment!

When I opened my eyes the next morning, Josh was staring at me. He was still cocooned in his blankets, his pink hair a mess, but his gaze was set on me. The two of us stayed that way for a moment, sleepily gazing into each other's eyes.

"Good morning." He finally said with a tired smile. "You slept well last night." He was right. I hadn't had a single bad dream and I was thankful for that. I didn't want a repeat of the other night. I didn't want Josh to see me that way. 

"I did." I answered. "What about you?" 

"I slept okay." He sat up and the covers fell away, leaving a very shirtless and very beautiful boy sitting in front of me. "I got really hot in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep for a couple hours." 

"I'm sorry." I was so distracted by every bit of him. I prayed to God he couldn't tell. 

"It's okay. I'll just get some coffee and I'll be fine." He got up and headed to the bathroom. When he shut the door behind him, I sat up and took a deep breath.  _What was wrong with me?_ All I could see when I shut my eyes was his smooth chest and thick arms. I forced myself out of bed and changed quickly. Josh came out just after I'd pulled on my shorts and laughed at me when he noticed. 

"You'll get used to me eventually." He pulled on a t-shirt just as there was a knock on the door. The nurses had arrive with Josh's medication. I'd noticed he took his twice a day, while I only took mine at night. While he took his pills, I straightened up my bed and then did the same for Josh's. 

"You don't have to do that." He put his hands on his hips and watched me. "I'll just mess it up tonight."

"I don't mind." I threw him a small smile. After I'd made the beds, Josh informed me that our group session was just after breakfast.I followed him down the hallway towards the cafeteria, a sense of deja vu hitting me. I'd only been here a couple days and the repetition was already getting to me. We got our breakfast and then joined Will and Kristen once again. 

"Josh," Will started as we sat down, "I heard we've got Brian for our group session today." 

"Hell yeah!" Josh whooped. "Brian always brings snacks. He's the best." 

_Tyler._ Oh, god. That voice. I knew that voice. I shook my head to clear it.  _Tyler._ Josh looked at me, concerned. I realized I was gripping the table so hard that my knuckles were turning white. "Are you okay?" Josh put his hand on my leg under the table and watched me. My body bloomed at his touch, and the voice in my head faded. I was okay. I felt as though Josh's touch was grounding me. 

"I'm okay." I lied easily. I was so used to saying that. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. 

"You look like you're going to be sick." Josh squeezed my thigh gently. I released my grip on the table and reached down to find his hand. I gave it a gentle squeeze and nodded.

"I think I need to go to the bathroom." Josh got up immediately and put his hand on my back while I shakily stood up. 

"We'll be right back." Josh told Will and Kristen. I followed him out of the cafeteria and down the hallway until we reached one of the public bathrooms. Josh held the door open for me and I stepped inside. I made my way over to the sink, turned it on, and splashed some cold water on my face. In the mirror, I could see Josh lean on the concrete wall behind me. He didn't take his eyes off of me. 

"What happened?" 

"Josh, I really don't want-"

"Tyler," Josh shrugged off the wall and stepped towards me. "Let me help." I watched him as he slowly came toward me until I could feel his hands on my back. He placed his head on my shoulder and met my gaze in the mirror. "Please." 

"I heard him." I whispered, tears threatening to spill over. 

"Heard who?" 

"Him..." Blurryface. He tortured me. I couldn't remember when I'd first started hearing him. It all blurred together. All I knew was that he hadn't let me go for years. I'd been in his hands for so long. 

"You hear things?" Josh asked. I felt his jaw move against my shoulder as he spoke. 

"Yes." I whispered. A tear made its way down my cheek and soaked into my shirt. "That's why I'm here." Josh snaked his arm around my waist and forced my to face him. We were only inches apart. 

"I'm here." He breathed. And then he hugged me, long and hard. 

 

Our group session was at nine o'clock. We filed into the room with about fifteen another kids and took our seat in the circle of chairs. I sat next to Josh, who beamed at me from his seat. "Welcome everyone!" Brian, I guessed, waltzed into the room with an armful of snacks and plates. "I see we have some new faces." He set the snacks down on a table at the edge of the room and urged everyone to grab something. I took a cookie for myself and returned to my seat, hoping to not be noticed. That plan failed. 

"You're new!" Brian exclaimed, smiling down at me. "What's your name?" 

"Tyler." I murmured. 

"Everyone say hi to Tyler!" A chorus of  _Hi, Tyler_ sounded throughout the room. "Okay, okay, everyone settled in? Let's get started." Brian clapped his hands together and looked around the circle. "We're going to go around the circle and say one negative thought and three positive thoughts to balance it out, okay? Mira, you start. Everyone make sure to introduce yourself. We've got new faces." A girl, Mira, stood up and spoke,

"I've thought about suicide a lot this week." She admitted sheepishly. "But my mom came to see me, I read a whole book, and I haven't cried in three days." Everyone clapped for Mira and it went on to the next person. Everyone seemed so open to sharing. I assumed they were used to this. One boy said he hadn't slept in four days, and another girl said she cut herself again last night with a knife she'd stolen from her breakfast. When it was my turn, I stood up, looking around the circle apprehensively. 

"I'm Tyler." I cleared my throat. "I had a bit of a relapse today. But... I was able to calm down. I've been thinking of a song I'm going to write... oh, and I met Josh." 

"Good, good." Brian clapped along with the rest of them. "Josh?" Josh got to his feet and raised his hands theatrically. 

"I've been good this week, man. I don't have anything bad." 

"Come on, Josh," Brian said, "You've got to let the bad out to let the good in." 

"Okay, okay." Josh waved him off. "I had trouble sleeping last night. There was a lot on my mind. Sometimes I miss the drugs. And positive thoughts... well, we had waffle Wednesday yesterday. My favorite. I have this awesome drum solo planned whenever I can get back to my kit." That caught me off guard. I wondered why he hadn't mentioned that when we talked about my music the other day. "And I met Tyler, who I think is my new best friend." 

I couldn't begin to tell you what the next kid said. I was too focused on the boy beside me... who was beginning to become my center of gravity.

 

_There was blood everywhere. Horrible, dark red splotches stained the carpet and the walls. Even when I shut my eyes I could see it. It was under my finger nails and it stained my fingers a terrifying color. I could feel my chest constrict as I started to hyperventilate. My whole body felt cold. Who had I hurt? What had I done? I heard laughing. His laughing. There was a terrible pounding in my head. More laughing. "You can't stop me." He said. "You'll never stop me. I'll take over you..." His last words kept repeating, sending me into full blown panic. "I'll take over you. I'll take over you. Take over you. Take over you."_

_"_ Tyler, wake up." Josh was above me yet again, shaking me awake. 

"Fuck." I whispered, my breathing heavy and raspy. 

"Jesus, Tyler." Josh knelt down beside my bed and looked me in the eye. "What happened?" 

"I think I hurt someone." I breathed. "Josh, I think I did something-"

"It wasn't real." He laid his hand on the side of my head and ran his fingers through my hair. "It wasn't real, Ty. You didn't hurt anybody." 

"He's going to hurt me." I sobbed uncontrollably. "I can't stop him." Josh stared at me, at a loss for words. After several moments, he stood up and made his way around the bed.I felt it sink under his weight and then, suddenly, his warmth surround me. His arms gently encircled me.

"Is this okay?" He whispered. I could feel his breath on my ear. 

"Yes." I whispered back. 

"I won't let you be alone." Josh buried his head in my back. "Go back to sleep." His voice was muffled by my shirt, but it was the most comforting sound in the world. I did as he said, and soon I was drifting away with Josh's heart beating against my back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for reading :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh goes to therapy and gets some needed advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short! I'm really sick and I've had to work a lot lately. I'll update soon! Thank you for reading. :)

Josh

 

I laid in bed and watched Tyler for a long time before he realized I was awake. He was curled in the armchair near the foot of my bed, scribbling in a notebook. He looked like he was putting his entire being into whatever he was working on. He only noticed me when I yawned louder than I meant to. I hadn't wanted to stop watching him. 

"Did I wake you up?" Tyler asked, giving me that winning smile.

"No, no." I answered. "Sorry I got back in my bed... they check on us during the night sometimes." I had spent a good portion of the night sleeping beside Tyler, holding him. He hadn't stirred at all after I had crawled into bed with him. It was hard for me to get up and leave him, but I knew they'd take him away from me if they saw us. 

"It's okay," Tyler blushed and it made me smile, "Thank you for doing that..." He trailed off, running his fingers through his short hair nervously. He did things to me that  couldn't explain. Every time he moved, my heart constricted, sending me into a dizzying trance. I wanted to  _touch_ him again. "Did you sleep okay?" 

"Yeah," I said as I sat up, "What about you?" 

"Great." He nervously looked up at me. I smiled back at him and he held my gaze for several moments before looking back down at his notebook. 

"What are you writing?" I asked. I slid out of my bed and made my way over to him, hoping he'd share. He disappointed me by closing the book and holding it to his chest. "Aw, come on, Ty." I begged. "I wanna see." 

"It's not done yet." He shook his head. I placed my hands on either side of the chair and leaned over him. 

"But I can see it when it's done?" I asked quietly, our faces only a few inches apart. Tyler nodded slowly, never letting go of my gaze. I grinned, loving the way I could make him feel. I knew there was something there. 

"We've gotta go to breakfast." Tyler breathed. "We're going to be late." I shrugged away from him and turned away. I wanted so badly to get closer to him, but I was afraid he'd run as soon as I made a move. I couldn't bare the though of letting him get away from me. 

"You're right." I dug through the drawers and pulled out some fresh clothes. After I had changed, Tyler did the same and, to my surprise, he didn't go to the bathroom. I watched him pull his shirt over his head in wonder.  _God, he was something._ I did my best to stifle my body's response. Once he was changed, we made our way down to breakfast, the tension hanging between us. 

 

 

"Josh, why don't you have a seat?" Dr. Amber sat behind her desk, watching me pace around the room. 

"I don't want to." I fiddled with the trinkets on her bookshelf, unable to look at her. I knew that if I made eye contact, she'd know how I was feeling. She had some weird witchy senses. 

"How have you been lately?" She sounded frustrated. 

"Okay," I shrugged, "I miss my drums." 

"I know you do," She sighed, "I'm trying to help you get out of here so you can go back to them." 

"I'm totally fine." I finally faced her. "I don't need to be here anymore." 

"Josh, you know that's-" 

"It is true." I snapped. "I'm fine." 

"Your hostility tells me otherwise." Dr. Amber responded stonily. I finally sank into the chair in front of her desk and leaned my head back.

"I'm really depressed." I couldn't say it while I looked at her, so I looked up at the ceiling as I spoke. "I'm tired of this place. I want to go home." 

"I'm trying to help you get there, Josh." She said gently. "You just have to let me help you." 

"I miss the drugs." I continued. "If I had some, I think I'd do it all over again." 

"What do you miss?" 

"The high." I answered. "Not feeling anything." 

"You have to find something else that makes you feel that way." She said. "Something healthy." Tyler's faced bloomed in my mind. She kept talking, but I just kept picturing Tyler holding me. Kissing me. Needing me. I wanted to save him. 

 

 

We had another group session that day. Tyler and I sat together and, when he shared, he was finally a little more open about what he was going through. He said that he saw things that weren't real and it scared him to death. I watched him the entire time he spoke, enthralled. When the two of us made our way back to our bedroom that night, I was determined to get him to talk to me more. I just didn't know where to start. 

"Tyler." I said, breaking the silence between us. He had been reading a book I'd loaned him but he looked up when I spoke. "What do you see?" 

"What?" He looked sleepy. 

"When you see things..." I wondered if I was pushing too far. "What do you see?" 

"Oh..." He shut the book and looked down at his hands. "I hear things more often than anything... Usually it's just a voice. It tells me I won't make it. It says I'm nothing." Oh, he was something. I tried to imagine what it would be like to hear voices, but I couldn't. "It scares me." He sighed. "I sometimes see blood all over the place, like I hurt someone. I can't ever stop it." 

"I'm sorry." I said lamely. 

"I've learned to live with it." He shrugged. "I just get tired of having someone tell me I won't make it through this." 

"You will." I promised. "Don't listen to it." 

"I try not to. It's hard sometimes." 

"I know, but you have to know that you're going to get out of here. You'll be okay." I knew in my heart that Tyler  _would_ be okay. It was myself that I was worried about. 

"Thanks, Josh." There was silence for a few moments. 

"Tyler." I said his name again, my voice shaking a bit. I got off my bed and moved over to his to sit beside him. "I talked to Dr. Amber today... she gave me some advice." 

"Yeah?" Tyler was watching me curiously. 

"Yeah..." I said slowly. "I did a lot of drugs before I came here..." He said nothing, so I continued. "I miss it a lot. I think about it everything... but she said I need to find something else."

"Something else?" He repeated. 

"Something that makes me feel as good as the drugs did." 

"Is she putting you on more medication?" Tyler looked concerned. I knew he knew I already took a lot of meds.

"No, not medicine." I clarified. "I just..." I trailed off, unable to put my meaning into words. I looked up at him and slowly raised my hand to rest on his shoulder. When he didn't flinch, I moved up his neck until my fingers rested on his cheek. "I just really, really need to do this." I whispered. And then I leaned in and kissed him. 

I felt his sudden intake of breath when our lips met, but he didn't pull away. I kissed him gently, my heart thundering in my chest. Our lips moved together as I slid my hand up into his hair. Our lips separated and I leaned my head against his shoulder.

"I was right," I whispered, "I was so right. It's you." 

 


End file.
